I will not store porn videos on my phone. I will not store porn videos on my phone. I willl not store porn videos in my phone. I will not store on my phone.
I have accepted that when people ask for the phone, they will invariably stumble on my ‘happy’ porn.
Difference in porn sex vs real sex explained with food
So…………I know we are all different and have come from various backgrounds. This got me thinking about what experience is out there as far as lubricants are involved. Actually I first read about some lube education a while back thanks to @gaynairobiman. However I meet up – and talk – with all sorts of people and I’ve heard lots of different stories about lube. The list below covers those used for making out, masturbation, and sex. So on my list I’ve heard people who have used:
Natural body lubricants i.e. ensure partner is sufficiently aroused and ‘self lubricating ….if this is you – Good for you!
Other natural body lubricants (not from that area) i.e. Saliva
Massage Oil – These can get exotic with lots of flavours and effects to pick
Milking Salve – the stuff that’s used when milking cows…very effective moisturizer and lubricant (so I’m told)
Magarine…yeah not sure if Unilever and Bidco intended for this….
Cooking Oil – this ranges from solid like kasuku to liquid like sunflower oil, elianto, olive oil etc errm people with kitchen fetishes and fantasies I’m guessing this comes in handy
Soap….the one below lasts longer and longer!! and it’s from Unilever – I’m picking a trend here….
Shampoo…. so dove is also from Unilever!!! Now I must meet their marketing and brand manager for sure
Manufactured lubricant – akina KY jelly etc this is specifically safe for latex use. That means the lubricant doesn’t weaken the latex – read the label please to make sure the one you pick is latex safe. There are some interesting varieties out there. Take note water based lubricants are the latex safe ones and suited for anal sex (thanks @gnm and @random for the feedback on this)
Water….. yes just plain water
Vaseline – saved the best/most trusted/used for last. This is like old faithful has been with you every step of the way :)
If I’ve left something out, from your experience…..drop me a line and share
Soooooo first off I must say that this post somehow mysteriously got ‘leaked’ while it was still a work in progress. Apologies for that. Now moving right along swiftly
Now something I find particularly necessary yet so anxiety gripping (either based on sexual history or ignorance or just the plain human nature of guilt n shame since Adam and eve) is a HIV test.
Thanks to my motor mouth n inquisitive nature I’ve actually checked on this with a couple of people and generally across the board this test elicits fear n anxiety.
There is someone I know who is a virgin and above 25(yes, true story) and they were also sweating bullets when they got their test done. My experience has been one of frustration, fear, guilt, shame, relief, invaded privacy, anger, all mixed together into one big ass lethal cocktail like a long island tea with a double of everything!
At this point I want to give my disclaimer and plug for healthy and positive living. In a nutshell that means – use a condom properly – pinch the tip, place on erect, roll down all the way, lube up with water based lubricant at frequent intervals especially if you are the gymnasitic-y, marathon-y type of peeps. If you are an injection drug user first, just stop that shit ain’t good for you! If you still working on stopping then don’t share needles! Ya mwisho if you are going to expose urself to someone else’s bodily fluids – use protection like gloves. Alafu if you din’t take any of the above precautions and u exposed urself basi try n get tested. Knowing ealry helps u take the above precautions OR live a positive life ie inform ur partner(s), eat right, get the right meds at the right time, right support structures etc etc. End of my plug/ public service announcement
Now having said that i have a couple of peeves I’ve got to put out there about the whole testing process, here goes:
Finding a VCT Centre – seriously these places are few n specialized. It’s not like u can find one along the way – you need to make ur way to one. So I now know to go to lvct, or Coptic along Ngong Road
Finding a VCT Centre that is open with a counsellor present – thats just hit and miss. I wish there was an app to find a list of the centres n operating time plus booking an appointment (jots down business idea, pap!)
Finding a VCT centre that has qualified staff and certified equipment – now here i don’t have an answer. But I’ve heard that this is a problem. There are a number of ill qualified and ill equipped testing places. Again this is something an app ama one of those sms services can help sort out (starts calling friends with IT skills, this is my ticket!)
The amount of information they will collect from you! – Like seriously they need a disclaimer for the amount of info they collect. Yaani they want:
- Tel no,
- Do I drink alcohol,
- Have i ever felt guilty about drinking alcohol me in my head *uhmmm yeah whenever I have a hangover but if I answer yes I get the sense I’ll be sent to the other room for more serious cases* on the outside No
- Then the guy goes on to, have u had sex with a commercial sex worker, injecting drug user or man who has sex with men…….. me in my head *uhmmmm again I’m thinking er here I’ll go with negative. Besides it’s my democratic right to …..etc etc*
- Then it’s like they sneak in a similar question further down it goes something like have u ever had anal sex? At this point I almost jump out of my seat and exclaim ‘kwani you’ve been following me?’ Si I said no the first time! Do I need a lawyer? However on the outside all I muster is a feeble ‘no’
- At this point all that’s ringing back in my head is DNA’s jam – maswali ya polisi
So we finally get to the testing bit and that is actually quite painless and quick. They prick your finger put the blood on the thingy, add the other thingys and now I wait for 5 mins.
Now the really hard part begins! Wacha I tell you there is no longer 5 minutes than those ones! The clock in the room is amplified like times 1000.
Then, life is for flashing by in that time both past and future! Past reliving each moment and possible exposure.
Future playing out what if scenarios what will nani say/ do?
Thats it for my peeves – my recommendation get a friend and go together…..I didn’t but I think I should have
So I have this friend who works with planes. He is one of the guys that makes sure that the plane gets in the air safely, stays in the air safely for the desired amount of time aaaaannnnnnnnddddd gets back to land safely.
He isn’t a pilot but he’s the guy who checks that the plane has the capacity to do all these things before the pilot takes the plane.
He took me through how thorough their systems and checks are for everything from the damn wiper to the main engine.
And for everything on the plane there are clear standards and procedures to be followed to ensure the plane can function as it should. As my friend often tells me, once we’ve had a coupla drinks:
“unajua ndege si kama gari, ikikwama ikienda the effects are far more serious than gari kukwama because gari uta park tu kando”
So I mixed that insight plus my avid tv watching (n limited flight experience) and come to this conclusion…….airlines, air crafts, are extremely thorough and methodical in their organization and efficient use of resources.
Have you even seen the ka trolley they use to serve food in a plane? Ni kadogo! But things just seem to keep coming out of it!
I want my life to be like that thought out, organized and efficient……
So when I wrote this post here one reader commented and and asked me, ‘kwani there are no dolls that move from medium to small ama small to smallest’And I realized I hadn’t highlighted those experiences or people in my post. Well, yes truth is there are such movements….for sure! I look at it in two ways:
As I’ve grown, moved, gone here and there, there was a shift in how much time I will spend with some people. So invariably some people assume a lesser role i.e. those that just move along by natural selection – either time, or shifting schedules, or interests have made us drift apart until they are not a part of my life. So for these folks who become smaller dolls, it just happens naturally without any active involvement – just nature doin it’s thing
And then there are……
Wolololo! These range from the random person I met on
fb,gaydar,grindr, *whichever media allows you to present yourself as YOU AREN’T* and actually hooked up later for a drink….and the stories just weren’t ‘ingianaring’ and I don’t mean that in a chips funga sense – I mean it in a we just didn’t click sense.
Then there are those who we met up and even a drink wasn’t had – it’s just those ones of ‘oh no’ hapana, digehota, abort! abort! etc etc etc – flee like Joseph from the Bible
Finally there are those I met up in the club, some of the clubs I’ve been at I’ve talked of here. I recently met one of the people that fall in this group (like after a year) still at a similar said club *hides*. Let’s just say that my throat and head was sufficiently soaked in liquor that night. But even through my very colourful and inebriated haze I was like aiiiiiiiiii but Wyndown WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!!!!
I literally had to use number blocking software for the first time ever!
So yeah I have had my fair share of dolls moving in the opposite direction – I just call them mistakes.
And to think as I’ve so articulately categorized my mistakes (and evolved status) here, I am sure that for someone somewhere I am their mistake! ….sigh such is the circle of life I guess….