Mistake(s)

So when I wrote this post here one reader commented and and asked me, ‘kwani there are no dolls that move from medium to small ama small to smallest’And I realized I hadn’t highlighted those experiences or people in my post. Well, yes truth is there are such movements….for sure!  I look at it in two ways:

Evolution

As I’ve grown, moved, gone here and there, there was a shift in how much time I will spend with some people. So invariably some people assume a lesser role i.e. those that just move along by natural selection – either time, or shifting schedules, or interests have made us drift apart until they are not a part of my life. So for these folks who become smaller dolls, it just happens naturally without any active involvement – just nature doin it’s thing

And then there are……

Mistakes!!

Wolololo! These range from the random person I met on fb,gaydar,grindr, *whichever media allows you to present yourself as YOU AREN’T* and actually hooked up later for a drink….and the stories just weren’t ‘ingianaring’ and I don’t mean that in a chips funga sense – I mean it in a we just didn’t click sense.

Then there are those who we met up and even a drink wasn’t had – it’s just those ones of ‘oh no’ hapana, digehota, abort! abort! etc etc etc – flee like Joseph from the Bible

Finally there are those I met up in the club, some of the clubs I’ve been at I’ve talked of here. I recently met one of the people that fall in this group (like after a year) still at a similar said club *hides*. Let’s just say that my throat and head was sufficiently soaked in liquor that night. But even through my very colourful and inebriated haze I was like aiiiiiiiiii but Wyndown WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!!!!

I literally had to use number blocking software for the first time ever!

So yeah I have had my fair share of dolls moving in the opposite direction – I just call them mistakes.

And to think as I’ve so articulately categorized my mistakes (and evolved status) here, I am sure  that for someone somewhere I am their mistake! ….sigh such is the circle of life I guess….

Bursting my bubble

OMG! I’ve just had a revelation that I had been totally blind to most of my life. 

The thing is, I’ve always believed/thought that I’m as straight acting and looking as the next guy. I’ve also thought that the only person who knows that I like guys is me …..well more accurately the guys I’ve been with and me. A couple of blog posts got me thinking though, first was this post here where Sinia flags that there are many guys who think they are in the closet but are actually quite out there. Then these two  here and also here commenting on certain traits that are common if one has same sex attractions.

 So after reading their blogs it hit me, ‘Kumbe I might be giving out gaydar vibes!’

Random’s post above suggests that a friend who is potentially in the closet will have unexplained friends….when I think about it I do! You know there are those friends who fall into school, work, family categories and then there is this whole other bunch! The ones that don’t quite fit into any of those categories coz you really started hanging out when you found that you both like guys! So yes, I have a couple of those friends (Whenever we are pamoja and meet say my cousins or friends from school we have to go over where we met just to have the story straight! he he he) Random’s second post also observes that most guy’s don’t watch/follow soccer…….eerrr that’s me too!! Don’t have a team to follow and really don’t pay much attention in that arena, court, yard, ring...pitch!

The other thing I did was to check out my most recent clothes shopping – and they are tighter and brighter! Then plus I’ve had this awesome….says me  man purse, a couple of pals have asked me bout it. My standard response was I’ve got lots of stuff to carry  (phones, some reading material, headphones, music player, random shopping, sweater …you know stuff!) and I don’t want to stuff my pockets. So now I’m thinking, could it be that their questions were informed by their gaydars?

So my ka-perfect self image bubble above is on the threshold of burst

This potential discovery is kind of like a shock to me because I had this image that I’m all self aware and all that! Me thinks I’ll have to check in with one or two of my ‘unexplained friends’ on their first impressions of me…..

Time counter: day 20 0f 21 or 42  This having to wait thing is not cool at all!

Aaarrrgggghhhh!!!

Seriously! I HATE if I could somehow animate this word into flames I WOULD…..kinda like in the photo below just that HATE would replace the ‘your text’ bit…… 

Back to my feelings – I HATE it when I get caught up in these gay’s are evil, immoral debates! I just go aaarrrggghhhhhh and want to pull my hair out! Especially when it’s with people close to me – my siblings or people at work. I’ve just stepped away from one such conversation about how same sex attractions/actions are immoral/not right/ unnatural etc etc Then plus the terms people use to refer to same sex actions/attractions are so derogatory! They cut like a knife!!!!!

Y’know it just gets so frikin annoying when I listen to all these arguements and I just can’t/won’t/shouldn’t shoot back with what I truly feel/believe inside! I wanna come out and yell I’m human too! I function and contribute in all my different roles – employee, friend, church member, sibling, son, etc etc and yet all I did today (and many other days) is to offer some feeble explanation or just smile and nod. Trying to balance between not contributing too vigorously (i.e. being true to who I am) and not seeming too comfortable (i.e. being safe and sensible about my immediate environment) with the whole concept. Lakini on the inside I’m raging inside and yet Ican’t let it out.

Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

Difficult question

the other day I got to hook up with a good friend -Bob. That was lotsa fun catching up, though he was late n that was the not fun part of meeting up Nkt! But most definitely that didn’t dampen the fun in catching up with Bob. It’s bn like a year since we last hooked up cz we r in different parts of the country. Of course we had been in touch on phone n all but hadn’t met up for that long. Bob has put on some weight in a good way 🙂 he has more flesh in all the right places! I told him as much which got him a lil flushed He he he!

Anyway, Bob has this particularly interesting trait – he likes playing philospher and asks all sorts of deep questions and likes getting to the meaning in the meaning (kinda like a dream in a dream like in the movie inception). If I were ever to paint/sculpt him in the nude it’ll likely be something like this….

(of course with some adjustments for his recent flesh adjustment!).  So Bob playing the philosopher asks me “If like tomorrow you were to break up with your current gf, would you date a guy or a chick? And I opened my mouth very quickly to answer and …… I just couldn’t answer – I didn’t know! And that’s the honest truth! Woah ……I must say I was shocked at my lack of a quick and final answer thats not like me. But on the flip side I wasn’t going to (and didn’t need to) lie to Bob.

So while a random friend of mine is having his own similar yet parallel challenges here, I’m just starting to grapple with the same thought but on the other end of the scale…… what if I’m not bi??? Hmmmmmm